Dear T-Mobile

Dear T-Mobile,

I understand that you are releasing a new app to prevent people from texting and taking phone calls while driving. I also understand that the app works by judging whether the user is traveling at a speed of more than ten miles per hour and, if that is the case, forwarding phone calls to voicemail or a Bluetooth headset.

I have two problems with this app. One is that studies have shown that drivers using handsfree devices are just as distracted as drivers talking on the phone normally. Your support of the Bluetooth devices is only propagating the false belief that the distraction behind the wheel comes from not holding the ten-and-two position rather than from trying to focus on the disembodied voice of another person.

My second problem is the following: you admit that parents of teens will likely force this app on their childrens’ phones to try to start healthy driving habits with the teens. However, teens typically spend much less time behind the wheel than they do sitting in the passenger or back seats of a car. These cars generally exceed ten miles per hour in speed.

My question is this: since any time a teen who has had this app forced upon then is in a moving vehicle their phone will essentially shut down, will you be providing some sort of hotline for distraught parents who are wondering why their child won’t pick up the phone when they were just riding with someone to the store? Are you ready for the onslaught of letters from angry teens who have been grounded or otherwise punished for not calling to inform their parents of a change in plans because they happened to be in a moving vehicle?

I would normally assume you’d thought this through, but the entire app seems to lack common sense. I hope you’re able to work all of this out.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

P. S. I assume you have this figured out, but people stopped at stoplights are going zero miles per hour. Will their phone calls get through to them?

P. P. S. I just read a statement that clarified a few things. It said that drivers can disable the call forwarding if they are sitting in a passenger seat or on a bus. You know the aforementioned teens will just use that feature while driving, right?

Dear Credit/Debit/Gift Card Users

Dear Credit/Debit/Gift Card Users,

The magnetized strip has to actually be placed inside whatever machine you are trying to use to access your money. Whether it be a gas station terminal or a checkout at the grocery store, this does not change. The machine always needs have the side of the card with the magnetic strip. Otherwise, you’re just running a useless piece of plastic through a machine that does not know how to read the encryption (not really) found on useless pieces of plastic.

Please don’t argue with me by saying that “Every place is different” or “I just never know.” This fact remains the same across the board. Trust me.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Dear Ke$ha

Dear Ke$ha,

There are many things about you that bother me. For one, your image is trashy. Another thing is the complete lack of class in your lyrics and demeanor. That video for “Tik Tok” certainly isn’t winning you any points in my book, either.

However, the thing that bothers me most about you isn’t listed above. The thing that bothers me most about you is the spelling of your name.

I understand that your name is, in fact Kesha. But because of the restyling of your name, you have chosen to go by Ke$ha, a choice which makes you appear to be entirely uneducated.

What you may not have learned in whatever school taught you to read is that symbols don’t make sounds. The dollar sign ($) is silent. It is not a proper replacement for the letter ‘s’ as it is not pronounced at all. It is simply meant to indicate that the numbers following it are in dollars rather than pounds or rupees. One will occasionally say “dollars” when it appears, but it is never, ever to be used to replace an ‘s’.

So, this leaves you with a choice: you may change the spelling of your name back to the one your parents gave you (Kesha) or you may accept the fact that I will be pronouncing your name in one of the following ways: “Keha,” “Ke-ha-dollars,” or “Ke-dollar-sign-ha”. I’m leaning toward the latter.

Thank your for your time.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Dear Florence Welch

Dear Florence Welch,

I just want to commend you on your ability to belt out songs in ranges rarely found in…well, anywhere. I thoroughly enjoy many of your songs and am forever baffled by how such a strong, large voice can come out of such a tiny person.

Thank you for sharing your gift with us all.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Dear Self-Checkout Users

Dear Self-Checkout Users,

I understand that you don’t have official cashier training. I understand that you are not paid to know how to operate a cashier. I also understand that, considering the UPC has only been around since 1974, some of you may be confused by this insanely new technology.

However, you have watched cashiers for most of your life. Have you ever seen them just wave an item over the scanner without first locating the barcode? What did you think they were looking for when the item wouldn’t scan?

Just wondering.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Dear Bank of America

Dear Bank of America,

Your concern that WikiLeaks was referring to you when the creator claimed to want to release information about unethical practises in one of the largest banks was valid. You are, in fact, one of the largest banks, so that makes sense. What I don’t understand is why you have spent time and money checking to see if Julian Assange had somehow compromised a hard drive or something else in your possession.

As a result of your actions, I have two questions for you:

1. You don’t know how WikiLeaks works, do you?

2. You do realize you just outed yourself for unethical practises, correct?

Please think before you act next time.

Sincerely,
Chelsea