Monthly Archives: March 2011

Dear Coworkers

Dear Coworkers,

I just wanted to apologize in advance for exposing you to the contagious chest cold I’m sure I’m coming down with. Though it has yet to fully unleash its terrifying, chest-wrenching reign over me, I have been assured by the person who exposed me to it in the first place that it’s really awful.

I typically only call into work if I have a fever or am vomiting. As neither of these symptoms have occurred, I do plan on completing all of my shifts this week. However, as far as I know, this nasty bug doesn’t cause the aforementioned symptoms, so I may be contagious even without vomiting.

I must work my shifts this week. Once again, I apologize.


Dear Cashier in the Health Food Store

Dear Cashier in the Health Food Store in Wilmington, North Carolina,

Thank you so much for telling me about a different store who sells the product I was looking for. I also want to thank you for actively looking out the shop window for me and flagging me down after I’d left and you had recalled a product that your store carries which would match my needs. I appreciate your dedication to helping my face look good for a wedding.

Thanks for the excellent customer service.


Dear Customers of Stores

Dear Customers of Stores,

The people who work for the stores where you shop are not Ms. Cleo nor the witch of Endor nor Shawn Spencer. They cannot read your mind and there is no reason for you to assume that that is a natural function of someone who works in customer service. Many times they are more than willing to help you if they actually know that you need help. The only way they’ll know is if you communicate your needs to them.

The following does not constitute proper communication:

Pointing at an item you need lifted, scanned or moved without expressing what you would like the employee to do for you.

Nodding or shaking your head when asked a question that cannot be sufficiently answered with a “yes” or a “no”.

Nodding or shaking your head so slightly that no person of any intelligence level can discern what your answer to the question is.

Gesturing wildly to the employee because you refuse to either hang up your cell phone or tell the party on the other line to wait a moment.

Snapping at anyone, ever.

Telling one of the people shopping with you what you’d like the employee to do (i.e. Saying, “She’ll get it for us.” to your friend without actually asking for the employee to procure the item.)

Silently seething because you need help loading your purchases but refuse to tell anyone of your need. And then complaining because the employees didn’t read your mind.

Staring wordlessly at an employee.

If you need help, just ask. Most employees in the customer service are happy to help you if you express a need. However, if you fail to communicate with actual words, don’t blame the employee; blame yourself.


Dear Library Computer B

Dear Library Computer B,

I understand that, being a library computer, you are likely overused and underserviced. I also understand that the majority of your software is probably outdated and, thus, you run much slower than most of the computers to which I am accustomed. The ideas of antivirus software, high-speed Internet, and any browser other than Internet Explorer are foreign to you. You tool along at insanely slow speeds, completely oblivious to the existence of your more technologically advanced cousins. I am absolutely understanding of this fact, as I know that you are free for me to use at any time.

However, I would like to point out that refusing to display and print PDFs is completely unacceptable. A PDF is not some strange file type; it is quite common and, though I appreciate that you finally decided to print my document, the trouble you gave me was hardly helpful.

Next time, try to be more accommodating, and I’ll try to be more understanding about your horrifically antiquated state.


Dear Internet

Dear Internet and People Who Use the Internet,

You are a strange, strange place (and strange, strange people). The fact that my friend and I can make a blog about wanting various material goods and you respond by actually giving us money is silly. But, I’m not turning it down.

Thanks for all the support.