Monthly Archives: January 2012

Dear People Who Drive Cars

Dear People Who Drive Cars,

Does this ever happen to you? You’re driving along, minding your own business, when a car rams into you for no good reason!  When you talk to the driver of the other vehicle, he keeps using phrases like, “I couldn’t see you!” and “You just came out of nowhere!” and “Visibility is really limited by the intense mist and fog.  Why didn’t you have your lights on?”  These phrases can be confusing and tiresome.  You were obviously there; why didn’t the other driver see you?  Thankfully, I have a solution that will keep you from having this happen again and again!

Most likely, your car is equipped with light bulbs attached to the front.  These lights are called “headlights” and you’ve probably used them to see at nighttime.  But, did you know that headlights have other uses, too? Headlights, as you know, are useful for seeing, but, as many of you don’t seem to know, they are also useful for being seen.

In fact, if you drive at night with your headlights on, the reason you are not repeatedly hit by other cars is probably your headlights.  Those lights indicate to other drivers that you are present so that they can avoid slamming into your vehicle.

“That’s fine at night,” you’re probably thinking, “but what about times during the day when people can’t see me?  What do I do then?”

Amazingly, those same headlights work indicate your presence in rain, mist, fog, snow or other limited visibility situations!  They work both at night and during the day!

You may be able to see where you’re going without headlights on, but if there is mist or rain, other drivers may not be able to see you!  That’s where the headlights come in.  Just turn them on and presto! Other drivers can see you!  It’s like magic!

Don’t believe me?  Read the following testimonials:

It’s raining outside and you’re in a silver car against a silver sky.  Why don’t you have your lights on? No one can see you!
-Me, yesterday while driving through Dallas

Turn. Your. Lights. On. You. Idiot.
-Anonymous member of my family

The jerk just came out of nowhere! He didn’t have his headlights on!
-Fellow who was involved in an accident on a misty day**

Headlights are available on most vehicles.  They are typically already installed and ready to use!  Just a click of a button or a twist of a knob and you’re ready to roll about town in style and safety!

I hope this message was useful to you or someone you love.  Feel free to share this special and exciting information with anyone who you think could use it!



**Testimonials are not exact quotes and may be supposed or fabricated based on real statements or assumptions that real statements occurred.

Dear People Who Review Products on Websites

Dear People Who Review Products on Websites,

I’m not sure what part of the phrase “Product Review” is confusing, but clearly there is some clarification that is needed.

When you write a product review, you are supposed to review the product.  When you write a recipe review, you are supposed to review the recipe.  You are not supposed to write a review of the packaging used, the shipping time, or of your own culinary incompetence.  In the past, I felt this was self-evident, but apparently it is not.

For instance, if you purchase a book on and wish to write a review, you are supposed read the book, consider the contents, decide if you liked or disliked it, and write about your like or dislike of the book.  You are not supposed to write a review praising or denouncing the time the item took to ship.  You are not supposed to write a review praising or denouncing the cover art of the book.  You are not supposed to write a review praising or denouncing the author’s other works or a review that simply states how excited you are to read the book before you are actually able to read it.  All of these things serve to give the book in question an inaccurate star rating, which is incredibly unhelpful to the general public.

In the same vein, if you visit and wish to review a recipe, you should make the recipe, taste it and decide if you liked or disliked the meal produced from the recipe.  You should not write a review of the recipe if you changed half of the ingredients.  You should not write a review if your own incompetence or ignorance as a cook caused severe problems with the recipe.  You should not write a review if you once tasted a recipe similar that your Great Aunt Miffy made ten years ago and you hated it, like, really, really hated it and no one wanted to eat it and it ruined Christmas.  Once again, these types of reviews only serve to muddy the waters of quality reviews.

If you have genuinely experienced the book, product or recipe that you wish to write about, by all means, review it.  The public has a right to know about the products they are considering devoting money, time and energy to.  However, if you are reviewing anything other than the book, product or recipe at hand, save your comments for a personal blog, your diary or conversation among friends, where they can be properly dissected and not affect the star/spoon/whatever rating that is supposed to indicate the quality of the product.

Thank you for your time.  Please reform your habits.