Monthly Archives: July 2011

Dear @BarackObama

Dear @BarackObama,

I’m going to ignore the fact that much of what has caused this deficit has been the government’s poor choices over the last century and just address the most immediate issue: the ridiculous amount of tweets you sent out today.

I understand that you are passionate on the issue of government deficit. I am also passionate about this issue, so I feel we have something in common. However, I can’t help but notice that you are a little one-sided in finding a solution to this looming problem. In your speech on Sunday night, you repeatedly stressed that the problem that we all face isn’t so much the deficit as it is the Republicans’ refusal to admit that the Democrats’ plan is the best one. This attitude has continued on Twitter.

In your tweets, you continuously call for compromise. You use that exact word: compromise. Your first tweet on the issue said:

The time for putting party first is over. If you want to see a bipartisan#compromise, let Congress know. Call. Email. Tweet. —BO [sic]

You then tell your followers to tweet their Republican Congressmen to encourage compromise on this issue. What I find interesting is the fact that this is not compromise. This is actually encouraging one opinion to change to the opposing opinion.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. As it turns out, a certain Mr. Webster sees things the same way. In his dictionary, the word “compromise” is defined as:

a : settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions

b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things

See, what you are describing isn’t compromise; it’s bullying. If you truly wanted compromise, you would also be encouraging people to write to their Democratic Congressmen as well.

The fact is, you seem to just want things the Democrats’ way. That is understandable, but everyone must realize at this point that no one really has a good answer to this problem. The solutions that each party have come up with are not perfect and will likely not actually end our debt crisis. It’s fine that you like your party’s plan, but if you are actually interested in compromise, you might consider hashing out a solution that each party can somewhat agree with rather than letting pride for Democratic ideals dictate your every move.

I ask you to please cease and desist the bullying of the Republican party. I don’t necessarily agree with them either, but their representatives have as much of a right to vote for a plan as the Democratic representatives. You need to think first about the people of your country rather than your personal affiliations. The time for putting party first is over. I heard that somewhere.

Thank you for your time. I trust that you will understand the severity of this situation.



Dear Makers of Shoes

Dear Makers of Shoes,

I typically do not care much about you or the products you hawk.  I dislike wearing shoes and try to avoid the practice as often as possible.  However, recent events have found me in need of some new shoes, and after looking at and trying on pair after pair, I cannot possibly begin to understand what any of you are thinking.

Are you aware of what the human foot looks like?  You are, you say?  Then why are there so many shoes designed to put an extreme amount of pressure on the largest of the toes?  Surely you’ve heard of balance and comfort, at least as abstract ideas.  Why would you not want to integrate these things into the design of your shoes?

Do you understand sizing at all? Or do you think the funny little numbers printed on the interior wall of all dress shoes were simply for decoration of a very personal nature?  Is that why, though size 8 shoes generally fit my foot, I can also fit into 7 1/2s, 8 1/2s and 9s?

Furthermore, I question your understanding of fashion.  Is it possible to request that you create shoes that look normal?  I understand that you are making shoes for a variety of people, and maybe some of those people are sasquatches with a questionable sense of style, or extraterrestrials with a completely foreign sense of style, or Lady Gaga with no sense of style.  However, most of the people who are wearing your shoes are normal and they want to look normal.  Why, then, is it nearly impossible to find shoes that aren’t ridiculous looking?

And, finally, though I understand that most women thoroughly enjoy the amount of pain and hip displacement they experience while wearing heels, I’d like to request that you start making some shoes that are ergonomic.  They don’t have to be super fancy; I just have to be able to walk in them and not feel like someone is slowly hammering nails into the bottoms of my feet.

I understand that there are quite a few requests in this letter, and that fulfilling all of them may take time.  I am willing to wait.  However, I do ask that it not take too long.  I’d like to find a comfortable pair of shoes before I die, if possible.



Dear Harry Potter

Dear Harry Potter (and By Extension, J. K. Rowling),

After over ten years of resistance, it has finally happened: you’ve officially sucked me in with your fanciful storytelling and fantastic character development.


Also, J. K., I want to be an author, too.  If you have any ProTips or just regular Tips for me, I’d feel just fine accepting them.



Dear Adam Young

Dear Adam Young,

I first heard your song “Fireflies” afterhours at work while I was helping restock shelves. Upon first listen, I just assumed that this song was a new Postal Service song and moved on with my life. But, then, the song kept being played…over…and over…and over again. My interest piqued, I searched for the song on the internet and found out that it was actually written and played by none other than Owl City, the name you have plastered on your music project. I initially took a neutral stance on your songs. However, that changed very, very quickly.

My first indication that there was something amiss is a fact found in the very song, “Fireflies.”

I’d get a thousand hugs

From ten thousand lightning bugs

Now, bugs don’t seem to be picky creatures. Most of them live in the dirt. Some live in fecal matter. So, why do nine out of ten bugs reject you hugs? What could possibly be wrong with you?

I soon discovered that what was wrong with you was the way in which you write songs. Your lyrics make an over-reaching attempt to sound deep, but when pressed, they really make no sense. You tie your handlebars to the stars? Really? And, what are you trying to express by making the absurd statement that “every mushroom cloud has a silver lining”?

All things considered, I have come to the following conclusion: Either you are a genius who is so clever that he’s actually a parody of himself or you are just a very, very poor lyricist.  As much as my heart wishes it were the former, I’m inclined to believe that it is, in fact, the latter.

After all, wouldn’t the lightning bugs want to hug a genius?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my conclusions.  Until then, please cease and desist writing songs of any sort.  Unless you really are just a parody of yourself.  In that case, carry on.