Monthly Archives: November 2012

Dear Fancy Dallasite Moms of a Certain Type

Dear Fancy Dallasite Moms of a Certain Type,

I find you fascinating.  At least those of you who I’ve met and observed.

In some ways, I want to be you.  Well, not be you, exactly.  I want to have a Freaky Friday experience in which I have to act like you for a few days before returning to my life of looking like the Old Navy Clearance Rack Poster Child and wearing jewelry made of questionable metals that make me break out in a rash.

Because, truth be told, I have no idea what you do, exactly.

Oh, I know you’re Very Busy.  I have experienced the Busyness on many occasions.  Essentially all of my close friends work for you in some form or fashion, whether it be as nannies, servers in your country clubs or just the clerks in your favorite Fancy Clothing Stores.  I have babysat for you.  My favorite mall is the one in which you shop.  I have had plenty of opportunities to observe you in your natural habitat, but I’m still left befuddled and I want to know more.

What do you do all day?

I have racked my brain and made use of every possible stereotype the Great Emily Gilmore has taught me.  You have a nanny or two and someone to clean the house at least once a week.  Your husband typically works long hours at the office.  Though some of you work, those of the Type I am thinking of don’t.  So, you’re kid-free, husband-free, housework-free and work-work-free.

And yet.

You are always So Very Busy.

This is how I imagine every day is for you: You work out somewhere, probably running through the park (I always see impossibly thin versions of you running in the park near your neighborhoods). You go shopping at the Fancy Mall, the one with Nordstrom and Neimans and Saks and the boutiques no one others than your group of friends has heard of (I also see you there.  You’re usually wearing tall boots and skinny jeans and are often heard complaining about people in your social circles to a friend and somehow Everyone knows Everyone Else in your world.).  You go to lunch at the Club, perhaps after playing tennis.  You have Important Event Meetings about Events that benefit something, somehow (later at night, after your husband has returned from the office, you will attend a Similar Event for which you attended the Meetings several weeks ago).  If the nanny hasn’t done it for you, you go grocery shopping at Whole Foods.  You may or may not, depending on the day, take your children to their Enriching Lessons and Sports Practices, escort them to playdates or birthday parties and help them with the absurd amount of homework schools seem to feel is necessary for second graders to complete.

My list may seem intricate enough to indicate my knowledge of what you do with your time, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t actually know.  In fact, I will never know what your life is like because, even if I marry rich, I still want to homeschool my children.  Which is why I want to switch brains with one you for a day or two.  I want to know how you spend your time because having that amount of Free Time that isn’t actually Free fascinates me and I’m not exactly sure what’s going on in the lives of the thousands of you who exist.

So, if one of you could arrange for some sort of reversible brain switcheroo, that would be great!  I just find you all so interesting, and I’d like to one of the few people in the know.

Sincerely,

Chelsea

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Dear American Christians Who Are Upset About This Year’s Election Results

Dear American Christians Who Are Upset About This Year’s Election Results,

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. For because of this you also pay taxes, for the authorities are ministers of God, attending to this very thing. Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed.

(Romans 13:1-7, ESV)

Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, 14 or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. 15 For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. 16 Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. 17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. 19 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. 21 Forto this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

(1 Peter 2:13-25, ESV)

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.

(1 Timothy 2:1-2, ESV)

Sincerely,

Chelsea


Dear People Who Describe Non-Food Things as “Delicious”

Dear People Who Describe Non-Food Things as “Delicious”,

Your phrasing makes me shudder.  Apparently, anything and everything can and should be described as “delicious”.  I don’t particularly feel like going into the dictionary’s definition of the word, as it is broad and can really support both sides of this argument.  However, I want you to give the following phrases some thought:

“This wallaby cordon bleu is delicious!”

“This fur coat is delicious!”

“Those boots are delicious!”

“That fifteen-layer, chocolate-strawberry-pâté de foie gras cake is delicious!”

“Your baby is delicious!”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I imagined someone eating each subject as I wrote the above sentences.  And, that’s the problem, really.  Even though the word “delicious” has a just-barely-vague-enough definition to allow for non-food applications, it is so widely used to describe food in America, that it really shouldn’t be used for anything else.

Because, really, the mental image of someone eating a fur coat or my friend’s baby is simply horrible.

Please, please find other adjectives. They exist in abundance.

Please.

Sincerely,

Chelsea