Dear Fancy Dallasite Moms of a Certain Type,
I find you fascinating. At least those of you who I’ve met and observed.
In some ways, I want to be you. Well, not be you, exactly. I want to have a Freaky Friday experience in which I have to act like you for a few days before returning to my life of looking like the Old Navy Clearance Rack Poster Child and wearing jewelry made of questionable metals that make me break out in a rash.
Because, truth be told, I have no idea what you do, exactly.
Oh, I know you’re Very Busy. I have experienced the Busyness on many occasions. Essentially all of my close friends work for you in some form or fashion, whether it be as nannies, servers in your country clubs or just the clerks in your favorite Fancy Clothing Stores. I have babysat for you. My favorite mall is the one in which you shop. I have had plenty of opportunities to observe you in your natural habitat, but I’m still left befuddled and I want to know more.
What do you do all day?
I have racked my brain and made use of every possible stereotype the Great Emily Gilmore has taught me. You have a nanny or two and someone to clean the house at least once a week. Your husband typically works long hours at the office. Though some of you work, those of the Type I am thinking of don’t. So, you’re kid-free, husband-free, housework-free and work-work-free.
You are always So Very Busy.
This is how I imagine every day is for you: You work out somewhere, probably running through the park (I always see impossibly thin versions of you running in the park near your neighborhoods). You go shopping at the Fancy Mall, the one with Nordstrom and Neimans and Saks and the boutiques no one others than your group of friends has heard of (I also see you there. You’re usually wearing tall boots and skinny jeans and are often heard complaining about people in your social circles to a friend and somehow Everyone knows Everyone Else in your world.). You go to lunch at the Club, perhaps after playing tennis. You have Important Event Meetings about Events that benefit something, somehow (later at night, after your husband has returned from the office, you will attend a Similar Event for which you attended the Meetings several weeks ago). If the nanny hasn’t done it for you, you go grocery shopping at Whole Foods. You may or may not, depending on the day, take your children to their Enriching Lessons and Sports Practices, escort them to playdates or birthday parties and help them with the absurd amount of homework schools seem to feel is necessary for second graders to complete.
My list may seem intricate enough to indicate my knowledge of what you do with your time, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t actually know. In fact, I will never know what your life is like because, even if I marry rich, I still want to homeschool my children. Which is why I want to switch brains with one you for a day or two. I want to know how you spend your time because having that amount of Free Time that isn’t actually Free fascinates me and I’m not exactly sure what’s going on in the lives of the thousands of you who exist.
So, if one of you could arrange for some sort of reversible brain switcheroo, that would be great! I just find you all so interesting, and I’d like to one of the few people in the know.