Dear Makers of Shoes,
I typically do not care much about you or the products you hawk. I dislike wearing shoes and try to avoid the practice as often as possible. However, recent events have found me in need of some new shoes, and after looking at and trying on pair after pair, I cannot possibly begin to understand what any of you are thinking.
Are you aware of what the human foot looks like? You are, you say? Then why are there so many shoes designed to put an extreme amount of pressure on the largest of the toes? Surely you’ve heard of balance and comfort, at least as abstract ideas. Why would you not want to integrate these things into the design of your shoes?
Do you understand sizing at all? Or do you think the funny little numbers printed on the interior wall of all dress shoes were simply for decoration of a very personal nature? Is that why, though size 8 shoes generally fit my foot, I can also fit into 7 1/2s, 8 1/2s and 9s?
Furthermore, I question your understanding of fashion. Is it possible to request that you create shoes that look normal? I understand that you are making shoes for a variety of people, and maybe some of those people are sasquatches with a questionable sense of style, or extraterrestrials with a completely foreign sense of style, or Lady Gaga with no sense of style. However, most of the people who are wearing your shoes are normal and they want to look normal. Why, then, is it nearly impossible to find shoes that aren’t ridiculous looking?
And, finally, though I understand that most women thoroughly enjoy the amount of pain and hip displacement they experience while wearing heels, I’d like to request that you start making some shoes that are ergonomic. They don’t have to be super fancy; I just have to be able to walk in them and not feel like someone is slowly hammering nails into the bottoms of my feet.
I understand that there are quite a few requests in this letter, and that fulfilling all of them may take time. I am willing to wait. However, I do ask that it not take too long. I’d like to find a comfortable pair of shoes before I die, if possible.