Tag Archives: movies

Dear Kris Kringle

Dear Kris Kringle on the 1970 Christmas Classic Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town,

You, sir, are a complete jerk.

I know, I know: you have probably never heard that before.  I’ll give you a moment to absorb that phrase before I continue.

Moment’s up.

You really are awful.  Yes, at the beginning of the TV special, you offer to take toys over the mountain to the children of Sombertown, but that is where your selfless generosity ends.

When you learn that Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger has made the possession of toys illegal and punishable by imprisonment of entire households, you don’t take measures to ensure that Burgermeister will be thrown out of power, nor do you help the people of Sombertown.  Instead, you sneak toys to them, toys which will have entire families thrown in prison.

I don’t really understand your motive in all of this, honestly.  You don’t make the toys; your decrepit adoptive family does that.  You were never a toy maker to the king, so you won’t get any feeling that justice has been served from your endeavors.  Your forcing illegal objects on poor, monochromatic children is baffling.

Also, the way in which you talk to people is rude.  I understand that you were raised by elves who all share the same voice actor, and you may find the depth and variety in your own voice a bit shocking, but you need to tone down the obnoxious jerkitude when speaking to children…and Jessica…and when monologuing.

Really, you should only speak that way to Burgermeister.  He deserves it.

I wish you the best and I hope you can overcome your own pompous, obnoxious ego long enough to not get small children thrown in prison.

Sincerely,

Chelsea

P.S. Not jerky, but creepy: When you insist that children you don’t know at all sit on your lap and pay the “price” of a kiss on the cheek in exchange for a toy, it’s just a little weird.  Stop that.

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Dear Harry Potter

Dear Harry Potter (and By Extension, J. K. Rowling),

After over ten years of resistance, it has finally happened: you’ve officially sucked me in with your fanciful storytelling and fantastic character development.

Blast.

Also, J. K., I want to be an author, too.  If you have any ProTips or just regular Tips for me, I’d feel just fine accepting them.

Sincerely,

Chelsea


Dear Rhett Butler Salt Shaker (a requiem)

Dear Rhett Butler Salt Shaker,

I first saw you on the shelf of a thrift store with you counterpart, the Scarlett O’Hara Pepper Shaker.  I was initially apprehensive about buying you, but when I saw your 65-cent price tag, I felt it was too good of a deal to pass up.  You have been a part of my life ever since.

Until tonight.

The night was coming to an end.  I was about to turn in when I decided to grind some coffee.  If only I hadn’t been set on having a delicious, homemade, coconut-mocha frappuccino in the morning, you might still be with us.  However, I did grind the coffee and as I pulled the coffee grinder off of the counter to put it away, you became caught in its cord and fell to the floor, landing in a heap of shattered plastic and non-iodized table salt.

I feel a great sense of remorse in losing you.  If only I hadn’t been so haphazard with the coffee grinder.  If only I had put you away when I was finished using you earlier in the day.  If only…if only… My regrets run deep.

I’m not entirely sure how Scarlett O’Hara Pepper Shaker will react when I tell her the news of your demise.  You have been her constant companion for many years.  I imagine that she’ll say something along the lines, “Where will I go? What will I do?” which are questions to which I don’t have answers.  I also wonder what I will do with one less salt shaker in my life.  However, I have a feeling that, as you sit shattered in a garbage bag on the curb outside, your response will be a bit different than hers or even mine.  Your bitterness at being so poorly loved and so poorly taken care of is probably taking over.

In fact, my dear, I feel as if you frankly don’t give a…well, you know.

Sincerely,

Chelsea