Dear Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Most everyone I know loves you with an insane passion. They associate you with the coming autumn months, as well as the lovely weather and pre-holiday fun that those months bring. (What we all did to tell the passing of the seasons before Easter candy, Christmas cookies, popsicles and you, I will never know.) I have been determined to like you as others have. I even spent an entire trip to Michigan two years ago trying to track down the perfect Pumpkin Spice Latte. (Panera’s is the best, at least in my experience.)
But, if I am truly honest with myself and you, I have to admit, I don’t actually like you.
I like pumpkin pie spice, mainly because the spices that make it up are similar to those used to make wassail. Wassail, as you may not know (in fact, being that you are an inanimate food product, you most definitely do not know), is a mulled cider drink that tastes of apples and cloves and fluffy scarves and angel wings and butterflies and all things warm and good and comforting.
Despite using the same spices, you are a far cry from wassail. You, Pumpkin Pie Spice Latte, taste like warm, sugary milk that someone accidentally knocked a container of spices into. Most of the time, I can’t even taste the coffee that is allegedly one of your ingredients because you are so weighed down with tooth-achingly sweet syrups and milk.
You’re gross, PSL.
There. I said it.
You don’t taste like falling leaves or crisp, cool air, or firewood burning and crackling. You taste like a creation made on Bring Your Toddler to Work, Oh, and Also Let Them Create a Signature Drink That We Can Market For Millions Day.
As someone who has considered herself a bit of an autumn enthusiast since childhood, this was a disappointing discovery. However, I am glad that I can finally admit just how much I dislike you.