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Dear Adam Young

Dear Adam Young,

I first heard your song “Fireflies” afterhours at work while I was helping restock shelves. Upon first listen, I just assumed that this song was a new Postal Service song and moved on with my life. But, then, the song kept being played…over…and over…and over again. My interest piqued, I searched for the song on the internet and found out that it was actually written and played by none other than Owl City, the name you have plastered on your music project. I initially took a neutral stance on your songs. However, that changed very, very quickly.

My first indication that there was something amiss is a fact found in the very song, “Fireflies.”

I’d get a thousand hugs

From ten thousand lightning bugs

Now, bugs don’t seem to be picky creatures. Most of them live in the dirt. Some live in fecal matter. So, why do nine out of ten bugs reject you hugs? What could possibly be wrong with you?

I soon discovered that what was wrong with you was the way in which you write songs. Your lyrics make an over-reaching attempt to sound deep, but when pressed, they really make no sense. You tie your handlebars to the stars? Really? And, what are you trying to express by making the absurd statement that “every mushroom cloud has a silver lining”?

All things considered, I have come to the following conclusion: Either you are a genius who is so clever that he’s actually a parody of himself or you are just a very, very poor lyricist.  As much as my heart wishes it were the former, I’m inclined to believe that it is, in fact, the latter.

After all, wouldn’t the lightning bugs want to hug a genius?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on my conclusions.  Until then, please cease and desist writing songs of any sort.  Unless you really are just a parody of yourself.  In that case, carry on.