Dear People Who Describe Non-Food Things as “Delicious”

Dear People Who Describe Non-Food Things as “Delicious”,

Your phrasing makes me shudder.  Apparently, anything and everything can and should be described as “delicious”.  I don’t particularly feel like going into the dictionary’s definition of the word, as it is broad and can really support both sides of this argument.  However, I want you to give the following phrases some thought:

“This wallaby cordon bleu is delicious!”

“This fur coat is delicious!”

“Those boots are delicious!”

“That fifteen-layer, chocolate-strawberry-pâté de foie gras cake is delicious!”

“Your baby is delicious!”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I imagined someone eating each subject as I wrote the above sentences.  And, that’s the problem, really.  Even though the word “delicious” has a just-barely-vague-enough definition to allow for non-food applications, it is so widely used to describe food in America, that it really shouldn’t be used for anything else.

Because, really, the mental image of someone eating a fur coat or my friend’s baby is simply horrible.

Please, please find other adjectives. They exist in abundance.

Please.

Sincerely,

Chelsea

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Dear Oxford Comma

Dear Oxford Comma,

For much of my life, I have despised you.  In the past, I have felt that I was too good to use you in my writing.  In some ways, I still feel that way.  You look unnecessary and purposeless and I truly loathe you.  You also make sentences look like fragments written by an insane person.  These are the reasons I avoid using you at all costs.  In fact, until recently, I never used you.  I would venture to guess that placing you in my writing only began to occur in the last few months.

I would love to continue to shun you, but unfortunately when I write out a sentence such as “This piece of art is dedicated my brothers, Doritos Nacho Cheese tortilla chips and fluoridated toothpaste,” I am reminded that I must use you to make it clear that my brothers are not, in fact, an MSG-laden snack nor a chemically-infused dental hygiene product.  So I have to wedge you into my sentence to make my point, the result being, “This piece of art is dedicated to my brothers, Doritos Nacho Cheese tortilla chips, and fluoridated toothpaste.”

This is all fine and good. You are useful in instances such as this. However, I still find you cumbersome and downright unnecessary most of the time. But, consistency is important to me, so if I’m going to use you in the above sentence, I feel compelled to use you in less ambiguous sentences as well. This results in sentences such as,  “My favorite hobbies are reading, writing, and muskrat training,” in which your presence is less than welcome.

I honestly just wish you would die, Oxford Comma.  I think removing you from existence would encourage people to use their logical reasoning skills and study more.  I also think that I hate you.  A lot.  I’ve always hated you, and now I hate you even more for forcing me to use you in all listing situations to avoid the accusation of inconsistency.

Please leave, never come back and maybe cease to exist.

And, yes, I will be leaving that sentence as is.

Sincerely,

Chelsea