Tag Archives: car

Dear Car Owner/Apartment Resider

Dear Car Owner/Apartment Resider,

Your apartment complex is right beyond my backyard, so I feel I can make these allegations with confidence.

Every morning your car alarm goes off. Every. Single. Morning. The only reason for this that my roommate can come up with is that you forget where your car is every day, and therefore set off the panic button in order to find it. If this is indeed the case, I suggest buying a magnetic board, drawing your parking lot on it and placing a fun-shaped magnet of your choosing wherever you’ve parked your car at night.

I’m not entirely convinced that this is the case, however. I’ve come up with some alternative theories as to why this phenomenon occurs every morning, as well as some advice for how to solve your obvious problem.

1.) You’re actually a cloven-hooved creature.

Cloven-hooved creatures don’t have thumbs, so pressing the lock/unlock buttons on your car’s remote might end in you setting off the alarm. And, obviously just using the key isn’t really an option. In fact, I’m assuming you have to start your car by remote as well. My solution for this is to invent some sort of key-holding/key-turning claw that attaches above one of your hooves so you can open your car door manually. You’re clearly a smart cloven-hooved creature, as you have the means to buy a vehicle with an alarm system. Surely you can invent this device as well.

2.) You’re a secret spy sending secret messages to a secret agency.

Perhaps you are in trouble, or you’ve lost your secret spy signal, or your agency just doesn’t believe your messages, but I have to say, hearing the same message every morning is getting a bit tiresome.  You might try mixing it up a bit to get your agency’s attention.  For instance, instead of saying, “Help! I’m trapped and there’s no one here to rescue me! Also, I’m dangling over an octopus tank!” you could instead send out the message, “Free doughnuts to anyone who responds!” or “Who’s up for calamari?” You will probably get a better response that way.

3.) Your dog has ingested your car remote.

I understand this can be a sticky situation, both literally and figuratively.  I also realize that pressing blindly on your dog’s stomach in order to unlock your car every morning will probably result in you pressing the wrong button from time to time (and also possibly cause the occasional dog mauling).  However, I really think you should see either a veterinarian or a car-remote-removing specialist of sorts.  This is not a job for an amateur.

I hope my advice for the preceding situations is well-received.  If any of those situations applies to you, please take advantage of this consultation free of charge.

Also, please stop setting your car alarm off every morning.  It’s really annoying.



Dear Owner of the Car With the “Dog is my copilot” Bumper Sticker

Dear Owner of the Car With the “Dog is my copilot” Bumper Sticker,

I wish to congratulate you on owning such an impressive animal. The fact that your canine friend is able to act as a copilot is incredible.

I do have some concern for the safety of this, however. As you probably know, dogs lack opposable thumbs and are thusly unable to grasp the controls on an airplane. Also, I feel that whatever board regulates copilot certification might be alarmed upon hearing that your copilot is a dog.

I’m sure you have checked into the necessary regulations, but I still have concern for both the safety of you and those in vehicles around you. Please look into this pressing matter.


Dear Car CD Player

Dear Car CD Player,

You are old and currently located in a 1998 Plymouth Neon named Mayflower. I can understand why you would be cranky with your position in life. I also understand that, being old, you cannot read or play CD mixes that have been burned from a computer. You probably just have problems with newer technology, so I will cut you some slack on that topic.

What I don’t understand is why you are so picky about the original CDs you choose to play. Is the soundtrack from the motion picture Once just not good enough for you? Is there a reason you will play Bringing Down the Horse by the Wallflowers only when it’s warm outside? Why, oh why, will you play the soundtracks from both the musicals Cinderella and The Sound of Music, but you’ll only periodically allow The Village musical score to play?

I don’t understand your reasoning, Car CD Player. I wish you would at least be picky in a logical way. Perhaps you could reject all CDs with blue album covers or any music that contains a cow bell. Then I can at least buy CDs with confidence, knowing that you will play them. Right now, it’s just a giant game to which only you know the rules.

Please enlighten me to your reasoning for rejecting my music. I’m not offended that you hate it; I just want to know what you hate so I can make decisions in the future.