Dear Corporate America

Dear Corporate America,

I am incredibly irritated with you and I blame you for my food allergies.

No, really, Corporate America. I consider you a direct cause of my food allergies.

The year was 1987, and my mother was a professional who just happened to have a baby. She did everything by the book and, as a new mother, was incredibly health-conscious. For the first several years of my life, the only “cookies” I knew were flavored rice cakes. I ate fruit and veggies and had a balanced diet that anyone would approve of. My mother did a really good job of ensuring my health.

However, because she had to work in order to ensure that health, I was fed milk-based formula as an infant. She had no idea at the time, but very early exposure to various foods can actually cause allergies to appear later in life. I believe this has happened to me.

I have been doing quite a bit of research regarding various skin ailments that I’ve suffered in life. The one cause that keeps popping up again and again is a milk allergy. This is a bit disconcerting as a large chunk of my diet consists of yogurt, cheese (so many cheeses…) and butter (through brownies and cookies).  I’m not happy about being forced to give these things up, but I must verify this alleged allergy.

Where did this allergy come from? Well, probably you, Corporate America. See, if my mother had been able to stay home with me and breastfeed, I probably wouldn’t be in this mess of elimination diets and a cheese-less existence. I might be able to look at ice cream without eczema flaring up. I might even be able to eat pizza.

Ultimately, I don’t blame my mother; she did what she thought was right at the time.  I don’t blame doctors; they never listen to blame, anyway.   I don’t blame cows or goats or dairy farmers.  And, though conspiracy theories are always fun, I don’t blame formula and soy milk manufacturers.  I blame you.  Corporate America, if you had just let my mother stay home and be a mother for awhile, I might not have these skin problems.  As it stands, I’m itchy and calcium-deficient and whiny.  Oh-so whiny.

I don’t expect you to fix this problem.  Unless you have a time machine, in which case, I expect you to fix this problem 24 years, 1 month and 3 days ago.

Thank you for listening.  Now that that’s off of my chest, I’ll cease whining about not eating dairy.



About Chelsea

"Hey, they say you're a natural. True or false?" "I just..." "Answer the question." "True, I guess." "Correct." -Ash and Kristofferson (Fantastic Mr. Fox) I allegedly have a way with words. I'm testing this theory. Right. Now. View all posts by Chelsea

7 responses to “Dear Corporate America

  • jonolan

    Wouldn’t it make more sense to blame the Feminists who told your mother that she should be working instead of being a full-time mother and forced “Corporate America” to keep her employed after your birth, despite the likely impact you had on her job performance?

    That is all assuming one believes the hypothesis of early exposure causing sensitivity, which doesn’t have a very strong basis of evidence to back it up.

    • Chelsea

      Oh, I totally blame feminism as a whole. But, “Dear Corporate America” was a much catchier title.

      You’re assuming, of course, that my mother didn’t want to be a full-time mother, which she did. But, circumstances availed, and she was actually forced to keep her job rather than stay home and take care of me. And, honestly, considering I’m a human being, I’d venture to say that my worth might be a little higher than “job performance”. Not trying to be arrogant; I’d say that about any human life.

      I do actually believe that hypothesis, honestly. However, I do recognize that my personal issues may just be genetic or something else entirely.

      All that said, thanks for reading and commenting!

  • Joe Scott

    Maybe a solution would be to eat cheese and butter made out of breastmilk? I don’t know where one would go to find this. I can’t imagine Whole Foods doesn’t have breastmilk cheese, but it might be pretty expensive. Or maybe you can buy a cow and have it genetically modified to produce human milk…

    That might be more expensive, though…

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