Dear Car Owner/Apartment Resider

Dear Car Owner/Apartment Resider,

Your apartment complex is right beyond my backyard, so I feel I can make these allegations with confidence.

Every morning your car alarm goes off. Every. Single. Morning. The only reason for this that my roommate can come up with is that you forget where your car is every day, and therefore set off the panic button in order to find it. If this is indeed the case, I suggest buying a magnetic board, drawing your parking lot on it and placing a fun-shaped magnet of your choosing wherever you’ve parked your car at night.

I’m not entirely convinced that this is the case, however. I’ve come up with some alternative theories as to why this phenomenon occurs every morning, as well as some advice for how to solve your obvious problem.

1.) You’re actually a cloven-hooved creature.

Cloven-hooved creatures don’t have thumbs, so pressing the lock/unlock buttons on your car’s remote might end in you setting off the alarm. And, obviously just using the key isn’t really an option. In fact, I’m assuming you have to start your car by remote as well. My solution for this is to invent some sort of key-holding/key-turning claw that attaches above one of your hooves so you can open your car door manually. You’re clearly a smart cloven-hooved creature, as you have the means to buy a vehicle with an alarm system. Surely you can invent this device as well.

2.) You’re a secret spy sending secret messages to a secret agency.

Perhaps you are in trouble, or you’ve lost your secret spy signal, or your agency just doesn’t believe your messages, but I have to say, hearing the same message every morning is getting a bit tiresome.  You might try mixing it up a bit to get your agency’s attention.  For instance, instead of saying, “Help! I’m trapped and there’s no one here to rescue me! Also, I’m dangling over an octopus tank!” you could instead send out the message, “Free doughnuts to anyone who responds!” or “Who’s up for calamari?” You will probably get a better response that way.

3.) Your dog has ingested your car remote.

I understand this can be a sticky situation, both literally and figuratively.  I also realize that pressing blindly on your dog’s stomach in order to unlock your car every morning will probably result in you pressing the wrong button from time to time (and also possibly cause the occasional dog mauling).  However, I really think you should see either a veterinarian or a car-remote-removing specialist of sorts.  This is not a job for an amateur.

I hope my advice for the preceding situations is well-received.  If any of those situations applies to you, please take advantage of this consultation free of charge.

Also, please stop setting your car alarm off every morning.  It’s really annoying.

Sincerely,

Chelsea

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About Chelsea

"Hey, they say you're a natural. True or false?" "I just..." "Answer the question." "True, I guess." "Correct." -Ash and Kristofferson (Fantastic Mr. Fox) I allegedly have a way with words. I'm testing this theory. Right. Now. View all posts by Chelsea

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