So, there was this blog post I saw going around on Facebook. And then I noticed that there was a large amount of backlash, frontlash, and sidelash surrounding it. So, I thought I’d add to the noise. This is sort of a response to the response to the blog entry with a few sidenotes based on my own observation of the way the Church at large handles the issue of modesty.
Christian ladies: You don’t dress modestly because that’s what Pastor Bob says, because it’s what your mother told you to do, because not doing so makes Aunt Marge cringe, because that’s what Good Girls do, or even to Respect Yourself. You dress modestly out of love for your Christian brothers. Just like you, most guys struggle with maintaining pure thoughts. And just like you, they don’t want to have more issues in this area than already naturally occur. You wouldn’t wave a mimosa in front of a recovering alcoholic at brunch and then tell them not to think about it, so don’t prance about in clothing that you know will give guys trouble and expect them to have an easy time of it.
Christian gentlemen: That being said, we ladies are not responsible for your sin. We cannot know everything that causes issues for each individual guy. I’ve had several married friends tell me things like, “I was always taught not to wear __________, but my husband says it’s not a big deal.” And I have other married friends who express the exact opposite. Everyone is different and there is no possible way to cater to the triggering factors of others.
I am in the long process of recovering from disordered eating (this relates; I promise), an issue I’ve had off and on for at least five years. Recovery from something like this is slow and arduous: first I look for good days, then good weeks, then good months. Thankfully, I’m in the good months area of recovery at the moment.
There are a lot of things in the good days and good weeks stages that can trigger disordered eating thoughts for me. Some of those things are easily avoidable; some are not. One of the most ridiculous triggers for me (on a bad day) is someone I am close to just mentioning changing their own diet to lose weight. If, upon hearing this information, my brain jumps to thoughts of starving myself or of how much weight I need to lose, it is not the other person’s problem. Many times, this sort of conversation doesn’t phase me, but it occasionally does and is something I have to learn to deal with. I can’t ask the entire world to stop talking about weight and food and exercise; I can take my thoughts captive, as the Bible commands, and ask God for help in this area.
My point is, we can’t know every issue you have. Even my friends who are very familiar with the ups and downs of my eating problems can not possibly guess what may cause issues for me on any given day; sometimes, I don’t even know. It is my responsibility to be prepared to shut down those thoughts as they come. It’s the same for anyone dealing with any ubiquitous, unbiblical thoughts.
Christian parents: Okay, this is probably a tad presumptuous of me as I’m not a parent myself. But there are kids in my life who I want to protect, and I do want to have kids and often think about how I will approach difficult issues with them.
First off, yes, it is your right and your duty to protect your kids. Insulate them in whatever way you feel is necessary. But you also need to train them. Train your daughters to dress modestly for the sake of the men in their lives. Train your sons to treat women with respect and to consider them something other than sexual objects. They need to be able to react to the world around them with biblical understanding.
Years ago, when I was knee-deep in disordered eating, I remember reading a blog post concerning eating disorders. One thing to note for the uninitiated is that most ED support sites will have ***TRIGGER WARNING** plastered all over various posts in order to let those who are easily triggered know what they’re getting into. However, the woman writing this post was somewhat against labeling everything with the warning — not because she didn’t care about how her writing affected others, but because she recognized the deeper want held by many recoverers of complete isolation from all triggers. She essentially said, “I can put trigger warnings at the top of each post and you can avoid them and avoid the pro-ana sites and the fashion magazines. But do know that there will come a day on which you are walking down the street and you will look up and there will be a giant billboard with a stick-thin model on it. And you have to be able to deal with that.”
I can insulate my (hypothetical, future) children from every evil I have control over. But there will come a day when my sons see a less-than-modest photo or even just have a friend who starts dressing less modestly. And they need to have the tools and understanding to address any unbiblical thoughts that arise out of those issues. They will only learn how to deal with such temptations if my (hypothetical, future) husband and I teach them to understand their human weaknesses and run to the Lord and take their thoughts captive. They won’t learn that just from being isolated from instances of immodest, immoral, or unethical behavior.
Finally, (a slight deviation from the topic at hand) to every Christian out there: the issue of sexual purity isn’t just a man’s game. I have run into far too many women recently who have told me something to the effect of, “Growing up, I didn’t think other women struggled with lust. I thought I was the only one.” Just as you men are responsible for your thoughts, we women are responsible for ours. But don’t think that none of us understand the struggle you face and don’t think that we are beyond temptation in that area. And please, please don’t neglect to teach your daughters how to handle that temptation.
Well, those are my thoughts. I would love to hear the opinions of others on both the blog post I linked to and what I’ve expressed here. Thanks for reading!